I haven't been here in awhile. I feel like this is my place to write about you. But I haven't been feeling up to it yet... because illustrating what I'm feeling is already difficult enough... I always seem to water down the things I experience, but to think about you... really think and write about you makes me miss you too much. I don't think I have ever experienced true sadness til you were gone... and lately I've been finding it much easier to just live life without thinking too much about you. How terrible, right? The thing is... you're always in my thoughts. But I make a huge effort to not let any sudden scenes of you being sick or needing help come across my mind... I hated seeing you vulnerable. You're my rock... and to see you fall makes me feel as if anything else in my life could do the same. I love you so much. And I pray every single night that you're up in Heaven. I have to see you later on. Lately, you've been motivating me. Sometimes I find it really difficult and exhausting to help our family members... but I know you would've done everything you could to make all of this better, and that's the main reason I'm finally trying... I want to finish what you've started... I want to continue to reach out to those people you've reached out to before. You did so much for everyone else and I really don't want to disappoint them.

jackieyah.tumblr.com

God, please take care of my little cousins... I feel useless and helpless.

"No one to lean on, rely on, or blame."

i hold back my heart's crazy rambling

And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again...

I'm not suffering from senioritis and I shouldn't be obligated to feel it just because others are. Doing really well this last semester is just one way to make me feel as if I'm compensating for the things I regret not doing for my Dad... just to make him proud. I want to make MYSELF proud because I finally feel like I have a good grip on things... somewhat. I'm starting to heal in several ways and I don't want to screw it up by slacking off... I finally feel like I can conquer something. So please, I know your intentions are good, but if I say I can't do something, I'm not making up excuses because I don't want to have fun. It's because I've prioritized things differently and need to do what is best for me right now. OKAY?! -_-