I am responsible for my own happiness.

So, I woke up early today (early for me at least) in a pretty good mood. I find a sweet message waiting for me on facebook from the thoughtful (however tipsy at the time, but nonetheless sweet) boyfriend, and I have my Mom waiting to eat breakfast with me.

Everything is good.

But while taking a shower, the worst thoughts and grudges suddenly crept up on me. I never expected much from this certain person. But I do expect people to act like their human... to have a heart, to abandon their pride when necessary. I expected this person not to talk to me, or even be the least bit nice to me, but at least to pay his respects and give his condolences to my Mom - to my Dad, whose only accepted him, welcomed him into our home, fed him, talked to him, spoken well about him to others. Why is that so much to ask of someone whose known better than most of what was to come for my family?

Then while eating breakfast, it was confirmed that my Dad's adoptive parents simply did not feel like showing up to my his memorial service. I was thinking: "What the hell is wrong with you two? This is your son! Where's the phone call? How about a card since you're so damn unsocial? And as shitty as you treated your kids, my Dad still tried to make you proud, to make you happy and still respected you. I almost hate you."

I'm starting to forget why I'm writing this post.

Anyways, I got pretty angry. I got in my car to go to DC to visit some family, and listened to my Joel Osteen podcast. The first one to pop up was "Living Life Happy." Funny. But it was well-needed.

I have everything I need to be happy. I'm just wasting precious time holding all of these grudges and it hasn't done any good except torment me. At least I have other amazing and caring people around me and my family (whom I owe so much to). At least there were 200 other people at the service for my Dad. At least I have my health, my Mom, my family, friends, a caring boyfriend. And yes, I'm hurting right now. I'm heartbroken, regretting things I've done and didn't do for my Dad, missing him like I've never missed anything before in my life. But that doesn't mean I need to be angry about other things and other people. I for one should know that life is short. My Dad NEVER EVER complained about the pain, struggle, and fear he was going through; he tried to enjoy every day he was given. So what's my problem? Why am I dwelling on what's wrong? I've decided to let things go. To let you be angry and thoughtless and to let myself be happy. I'm going to stop giving away my joy. I am responsible for my own happiness.