Jackie's Blog

I hate when these thoughts creep up on me at night... I made this blog awhile ago thinking I'd write this very post to express my guilt and worst regret... and finally I've done it.

I have very little closure with my Dad's passing because of the stupid things I did in the last few weeks he was here. I was always extremely close with my Dad... but I was so selfish and inconsiderate. Here he was dying, fragile, could barely talk and eat, in so much pain and fear... and I'm there complaining and stressing about how UVa won't refund my tuition or acknowledge my leave of absence. I even snapped at him once... not sure why... and he told me I had hurt his feelings. My apology wasn't even as soft as it should've been because I didn't want to get too emotional and make it seem like I was losing hope...and I didn't want to see him get emotional either. I went to UVa to get papers signed and instead of coming straight home, I spent the night there to get away from all of the family members and spend more time with someone who was going to leave me anyway. I come back the next evening and my Dad is so different. His eyes are dilated and his mouth hangs open and he doesn't talk... doesn't even look at us... just looks straight ahead.. he doesn't respond to me. He's still with us but his body is in such a decline. Seriously, fuck me. I lost those 24 hours to talk to him... to show him how much I loved him and make up for my selfishness. I didn't do anything to make him more comfortable or make him feel like it was okay for him to go. I wish I would've told him that I would be fine... Mom and I would be fine.. so if you have to go just let yourself go.. God will take care of you and you won't have to worry about anything down here. I did nothing to comfort him... and that's probably why his going wasn't a peaceful one. What the hell was wrong with me? I can honestly say that there are times that I absolutely hate myself and hate the decisions that I've made. I will never forgive myself.